The Luke show

It’s been the Luke show today because what little action there’s been, it’s all involved Luke. And he’s shown his really bitchy side today… he upset Kat! Too far Hilda, way too far.

It began when Jen and Luke had yet another yawnfest of a bitch about Rachel and Kat during the cleaning task this morning.

Jennifer said, ‘I went, "Rachel, did you say the other day your boobs have grown…?" I didn’t even get the rest of the sentence out, and she went, "You *****! How could you say that in front of all these people?" And I said, "Didn’t you say that the other day?’"

Luke nodded and said, ‘I’m positive Rachel and Kat think I’m extremely two-faced’ Well, you are Luke. ‘I know they do – the way Kat speaks to me sometimes. I was sat there talking to Kat, and Wachel walked in for the tap, and she took a sip of water. And maybe I’m just reading into it, but then she opened her mouth and said "disgusting!", and poured the water out. And she wasn’t on about the water!’ Dear god, paranoid much?

He added seriously, ‘She’s got a dark side to her.’ Jen agreed, ‘Yeah, yeah, there’s a dark side there. And you know what? That scares me, living with a person that’s secretly dark. And then comes up and goes, "happy happy happy  happy’!"

Well Princess Lay Anyone, why not get Luke Spy Talker to protect you from the ‘Dark Side’. If Rachel ever really goes berserk – such as shouting ‘flip’ or ‘gosh’ – he can run over and suck on your ears so all you’ll hear is him slobbering.

‘She’s playing a very good game’ reckoned Jen. ‘Not good enough though’ replied Luke. ‘We can see through it.‘ Well, may the farts be with you Luke… in fact, may you have screaming diahorrea for a week.

Jen then launched into a tirade of moans about Kat and later on, Luke upset Kat because he had words with her about lemonade and custard creams. In the luxury bedroom, Luke appeared with a bottle of lemonade. Kat asked him where it was from and he went on to say he’d hidden it from the group so that they couldn’t drink it.

Kat laughed shyly and said, ‘Luke, I think better of you… you say everybody take custard creams then you go and hide lemonade. Two wrongs isn’t making right Luke…‘ He replied tersely that he’d hidden it because in the shopping, £26 was spent on alcohol and just £4 on fizzy drinks. Mikey agreed with him.

‘I don’t touch alcohol at all Kat’ he went on. ‘At the wedding Mikey had champagne, the other night, you had punch. I have never touched alcohol in this house and our lemonade was used in the punch the other night’. As he got more irate, Mikey tried to explain that Luke had told everyone that he had the lemonade whereas whoever took the custard creams didn’t own up to it.

Luke then said, ‘In fact Kat, I’ll go and tell everybody now before you do’. Kat looked truly hurt and said, ‘Luke, I won’t tell anybody, I won’t spread negativity’.

‘Oh you will Kat, you will. You’ll tell Rachel, she’ll tell someone else, then everyone will know’

‘I didn’t know you thought so bad over me…’ said Kat sadly.

Once they were allowed back outside, Luke announced to everybody in the garden that he’d taken a bottle of lemonade then went on to explain why. He made a point of singling Kat out and implied that he was telling everyone before Kat did. I wonder what Kat’s done to deserve this unpleasantness from Luke?

Kat went over to Mikey and Luke to apologise if she upset either of them. She said, ‘Did I upset you? I just wanted to say that taking lemonade and custard creams… well, I just didn’t want to upset you.’ Mikey and Luke both said that she hadn’t upset them, but Luke made certain the damage was already done. He’d achieved what he set out to do; to stop Kat being happy happy happy. Miserable little twonk.

Luke has been Rebecca’s main form of entertainment today, but after play-fighting with him yet again earlier, she went to the diary room to moan about the lack of ‘fun’ in the house.

‘How is your day today?’ Big Brother asked her. ‘It’s just boring without Dennis and Sylvia’ Bex moaned. ‘I’m trying to make it fun, but there’s only so much terrorising of Luke I can do!’

‘How has the atmosphere in the house changed since Sylvia and Dennis’s departure?’ Big Brother asked.

‘All the big characters are gonna start going’ Rebecca  whined, ‘and you’re just gonna be left with the boring ones, drinking tea and eating grass, or talking about the weather, or how lovely the butterflies are in the garden.’

She pretended to snore, ‘Happy happy happy house… **** off! I just want to have fun. I’m trying to create fun.’

Rebecca sighed, ‘It’s quite fun, sometimes. At least I’ve got Luke to wind up and he can wind me up, because that’s about all the fun I’m having now. Now all the characters have gone.‘

And she said, ‘I hope you’ve got some plans, ‘cos if I go, and Luke goes, and Jen goes… who else? Kat’s fun, but everything’s nice. Lisa’s fun, but she’s with Mario all the time.’

Big Brother asked, ‘How are you planning on spending the rest of the day?‘

‘I’ll probably be winding up Luke some more’ Rebecca told him.

Luke and Rebecca spent some time aggravating each other earlier when Luke threatened to drown Rebecca’s bunny. This was a retaliatory attack for Rebecca pushing Luke in the pool, twice. He did in fact end up dropping it accidentally into the pool. So, that was a lot of fun… or not. It was all a bit like watching magnolia paint dry.

At 5pm, BB called Mikey and Mario to the diary room. They emerged soon afterwards and walked out of the house and straight into the prison. Why are they there I wonder? Don’t know yet but time will tell.

Within minutes of their incarceration, Big Brother called one housemate to the diary room, and Rebecca went after much screaming and whining about how she never gets to do anything. She came back out with a laminate and attempted to read what was on it. She struggled with the words and Rex had to fill in for her on the really tricky ones like, topiary and prune and now…

For today’s task, BB wants to find out how skilled the housemates are at trimming their bushes. Well, Sylvia shaved, Rebecca uses scissors and I think Dale plucks. Little plucker.

BB placed 11 bukus trees in the garden and asked housemates to snip them into different designs. Big Brother provided housemates with a watering can containing 11 cards. When asked to do so by Big Brother, housemates chose one card out of the watering can.

Printed on each card was a word describing the shape that the housemate must attempt to prune their bush into. Housemates had one hour in which to create their design.

If housemates trim their bushes to the required standard, Big Brother will reward housemates with one token. But if they fail to trim their bushes to an acceptable standard, they’ll receive absolutely nothing. Rebecca offered to take her bra off so she’d look like Charlie Dimmock… fingers crossed she doesn’t.

Lisa complained that there was a big clump at the bottom her bush. Information overload Lisa. Jen asked Dale how it’s possible to make her bush pointy but he’d just found a bird’s nest in his bush, so he was too busy to help.

Kat began to beat her bush up while Stu just pulled big clumps out of his. Kat then asked if she could see Mo’s bush and he shyly showed her. In return, Kat asked if anyone would like to see her heart shaped doughnut bush… nobody did. Darnell meanwhile seemed to be just stabbing his and Rachel fretted that she might kill her bush off.

So, will they all be good at topiary? Why are Mikey and Mario in the nick? Will anyone teach Rebecca to read and will Luke grow a spine? We’ll find out later, but in the meantime, if you can’t watch the C4 highlights show tonight at 9pm, join me here for a live blog throughout the show.

Bye for now, Lynn

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